Just about everyone has heard of popular contenders for the Presidential nomination from the two major parties, and even some third parties. Hillary, Obama, Romney, Giuliani, and Ron Paul will continue to dominate news, and will almost undoubtedly go on to face off in the primaries and beyond. Yet, thanks to the wiles of the internet, we now have the great ease of seeing some of the more colorful (and insane) candidates vying for President next year.
Lee L. Mercer Junior: This fellow, running for the Democratic nomination, seems a little confused. One need only look at his campaign theme on the front page to see why, since he believes:
“The United States Government must regulate government sleepers and government regulations authorized thought, ideas, acts, actions, rights, wrongs, controversies, facts, issues and circumstantial evidence through intelligence research, law research, law enforcement research and criminal law research implementing ROTC communications research innovating education national and international.”
His desire for such regulations is particularly interesting; since he appears convinced in his “Reasons for Candidacy” that the government is involved in all sorts of unseemly activities corrupting his own life and those of the rest of us. Perhaps the best of these is number 49, which reads:
“To Prove the United States Government killed my sex life, my wife sex life, my daughter-in –laws sex life both may sons and other of my family members sex life with Espionage Experimentation and Espionage Exploitation sex killing.”
Jackson Kirk Grimes: Mr. Grimes, a self-styled head of the United Fascist Union (of which he appears to be the only member), previously ran in both 2000 and 2004. He’s back for more this time, with the same wacky platform involving a transformation of the US into a Mussolini-like regime with Imperial Roman features. His older website for the “U.F.U.” features a few fashionable (and hilarious) photos of himself and his girlfriend posing in homemade black uniforms and sitting in various restaurants. Grimes claimed to take 6th place in the 2000 election, so he may find it once again difficult to top his own delusional performance.
Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey: Though his website currently seems to be down, the flamboyant vampire who tried running for
Quay Fortuna: Not nearly as kooky in platform as some of the other candidates examined above, Quay Fortuna’s Star Wars like name alone earns him a spot here. This blog owner established the tiny “Ward Republic Party” that acts as his political arm. In heart, Quay and his fledgling party are strong believers in the power of local institutions to triumph over big government. His site is worth a look, if only because of an attentive focus on events he believes are leading us to Armageddon, and clever tidbits like “Hillary isn’t the Antichrist, but She Takes His Advice.”
Jeff “Petro” Petkevicius: Petro, as his nickname indicates, is running on a campaign with most of his focus on one issue: CHEAP GAS. He believes this can be accomplished by setting price ceilings on both oil and the price-per-gallon at the pump, alongside use of existing US reserves (which he believes can be readily replaced with Iraqi/Kuwaiti oil). The rest of his one-liner campaign planks, and website decorations like Biblical quotes and an “I Support President Bush” banner probably won’t endear him to even the fringe crowd, but they do indicate he is running a mostly right-wing, populist campaign. The site itself is heavily cluttered, and holds a strange resemblance to a social networking or personal website circa 1999.
That’s all for now. As the campaign season shifts into higher gear, I’ll be posting more political oddities, and likely even another series or two of zesty candidates destined to garner a lot of laughs and a handful of votes.
-Namtlieu
2 comments:
You are wrong, there are lots of members of the U.F.U..
We're everywhere. We got Mr. G. on the ballot in Marylad now we're going to do it in PA and NJ next.
http://joanne21921.tripod.com/speeches/
Hail Grimes!
Vote Fascist 2008!
GOTHIC WITCH
6Speech for the MayorCouncil Meeting ofOctober 3rd 2007 An interesting article in the Cecil Whig, September 14th edition, entitled ?Gilchrest on Board with Aid for Local Mass Transit Fix? pointed out that ?Cecil County is the missing link in passenger rail service between New York City and Washington, D.C. In the same piece, Senator Pipkin, of the #36 District, stated that we need to renovate the old train station. Everyone who is fortunate enough to live in Cecil County will know how hard the honorable Mayor Fisona has worked to make sure we will once again have passenger train service here in the town of Elkton. Anyone who has followed local politics for any length of time at all understands county civic leaders have wanted to restart commuter trains to Elkton for several years now and the main stumbling block is always a lack of capital. Another hindrance is also the ramshackle condition of the train station on Bow Street, which would have to be completely remodeled. Also, another imperative is to secure Federal funds to start the undertaking. As I understand it, the Elkton train station closed it?s doors sometime in 1962 and has been allowed to fall into ruin ever since then. This shouldn?t have happened in the first place, but, what has been done cannot easily be undone. Note the phrase, easily undone. This can be corrected if enough time and money were to be invested in a renovation project. In the article, mentioned before, Gilchrest promised he would do his best to secure the needed federal funds. It?s up to voters to see to it that he keeps his word by writing him often to remind him of what he said he would do in regards to helping to bring the train back to Elkton. In those letters it should most likely be stressed how much a man in his position could do to help bring this about because of his rank and social standing. It would also be wise if the authors were to stress in the body of the composition how bringing the train back to Elkton would be for civic good and could raise the quality of life in Cecil County. It also seems most reasonable, to me, that if we expect to get federal funding to bring passenger rail service back to Elkton again we need to explain in as logical and rational format as is possible, within a reasonable time frame without becoming boring or bothersome, how doing so would garner vast revenue to fill the public coffers. At this point, someone should point out how poverty-stricken Cecil County is and how we must have passenger rail service back again to draw people here to expand our tax base. In the same edition, the Whig ran another article claiming the county just recently topped the 100,000 residents mark. An argument favoring returning train service could be made thus: ?Cecil County remains poverty-stricken and isolated despite the fact that we now have more than 100,000 people living here.? The agent making said proposal could add: with all of these people we should have train service restored to the city of Elkton so that they may be gainfully employed. A wise point designed to garner support for the proposal might be Cecil County has often been called Maryland?s forgotten county or the forgotten corner of Maryland; sadly, tis? surely so, but, this is most assuredly a result of our lack of proper public transportation in the region. Give us the funds we need now to start a functional regional commuter rail service that will move people from place to place and it will pay for itself rapidly by expanding our tax base. Every economist knows there are periods of growth and periods of stagnation and, one usually follows the other as night follows day. Cecil County has languished in a state of decay since commuter trains stopped servicing the area, so it seems the solution would be to restore the railroad to this area pronto to reverse the situation. It is the task of those of you who have power to convince those who have money to give us the funds we need to bring the railroad back to Cecil County once more. Mr. Jack Grimesfor the UNITED FASCIST UNION7PM night of October 3rd 2007City of Elkton, Province of MarylandNation-State of America.
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